Please don’t come,
please don’t turn up,
please leave me alone,
please let me live my life.
Please let today be ok,
please let it go through,
please let the nightmare be over,
please let freedom begin.
Category: Uncategorized
It has indeed been a while since I’ve updated this blog with news of my world/life/lack-there-of-both.
I haven’t intended for that to be the case either. I was incredibly busy working on my Masters (now finished), loving someone (now finished), looking for a job (now finished – I got one!), and trying to live life with some degree of being sociable (failed miserably!).
What’s this, your eyes can’t believe what I’ve posted? Yes, I’ve finished my studies – I’m now employed, and I’m loveless.
Loveless. I’m intending that phrase to be understood as having ended a relationship which I had wanted for so long. Well, I wanted it until I found out that the guy had been cheating on me the entire time – making matters worse was him telling me that he would have come clean about it after we were married.
He then turned into a stalker, which has meant that I do feel like I’m trapped in my house, which normally wouldn’t be a bad thing for me, but having to cover the front door with paper so he can’t see in, is quite disturbing at times. At all times.
Don’t get me wrong, my friends have been INCREDIBLY supportive, and I know/think that they feel I’m a fool for not calling in the police and getting an intervention order on him. Which is the weird thing, because for some bizarre reason, I do still care for him – I did expect this to happen if we did break up – what I didn’t expect, was the insurmountable rage that I feel if I see him in person. Although, it’s not just rage, it’s a mixture of anger/regret/shame with a dash of foolishness.
I feel like I should have known sooner, should have suspected that he was doing it – but I trusted him, so much. Even when I felt depressed being around him because he had no aspirations or goals for himself (that he could articulate), I still felt that I could trust and love him.
And worse is that I did that annoyingly typical thing that most people do when they’re in a relationship – I lost contact with most of my friends, because while I was with “the ex”, he was my world.
All I can say is this, every day I want to start fresh, move on, and be happy. And then a memory hits, or worse, he comes around and stirs up all the dust again – except there aren’t any allergy-induced sneezes which come from this – only the emotions which get roused up again.
I don’t want him to rule my life, but he is at the moment, and I honestly feel like I can’t stop, or prevent it, and I hate that.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m one of those dreamers who wanted to have “THE” love of my life, a guy who could accept me for all of my flaws, love and respect me, and be romantic every now and again. While the ex wasn’t that fully, he did fill in most of the boxes.
I honestly don’t know what I’m looking for any more, and I am attempting to meet guys, now that uni is done and dusted, but from two who I met – both the same age, one felt more like the start of a friendship, and the other felt too…… not me – too forced.
I don’t know what I’m really looking for, and I don’t know if I ever will, but what I’m feeling a lapse of, as of this moment (and moments which have previously passed), is love. And not that love which friends and family members can supply, but that other sense of love, where a simple look, or a touch of the hand, or a sigh reminds you that at that moment of self doubt, you’re not alone.
As I said, I don’t know what I really want, but right now, I know I need a holiday which won’t be happening for some time.
*exhale*
I’ve been trying to not comment too much on this show, mainly because I believe in Australian TV shows, and variety shows are an amazing thing (if done correctly).
I understand wholeheartedly what Ben Elton is trying to bring to the TV screens, not only is the show a live sketch show (more about that later), the show aims to highlight faults with the Australian society and industry. Both of these are things that, personally, I think are needed, however, the way which they are being presented from the get-go and for what feels like the entire show does tend to make the viewer feel awkward because their faults are being highlighted.
Granted, the show is brand new, and the media and public are giving it a flogging, its new people – not everything is a smash hit from the start. It is Australian, and it is a new way of presenting comedy through sketch segments. Essentially, Ben Elton has wanted to present stage show mini-sketches to the viewer which is a dangerous thing to do given that the audience are presented with acts that seem to be highly rehearsed. It’s the rehearsed look which makes the show awkward, especially when complaints were received about the show having lewd language.
The weird thing about the language is that considering that Channel 9 present a daily double (sometimes triple) dose of Two and a Half Men nearly every night, which has language and scenes which have always been FAR more obscene than anything that Ben Elton has discussed on the show. The difference, which is the most important aspect to comedy, is the timing. Some people have natural comedic timing in general circumstances, but introduce a script and hours of rehearsing and you have an actor who will struggle to have impromptu performances and play with the script. This is one of the downfalls of the best aspect of the show.
Ben Elton decided to hire a range of new actors fresh from university, as well as some seasoned comedians. It is the delivery which is important to learn, but can’t really be taught. Something which Ben Elton may need to consider for the show is to cut the amount of talking that he does and to have some pre-recorded sketches – yes, what I’m suggesting is that the show takes some hints from Saturday Night Live.
I do hope that the show survives, purely because I prefer watching Australian content, rather than more American productions.
A day which many people consider as being “the most ROMANTIC day of the year”. Heck, I even considered it to be partly the most over-rated day but still filled with romance.
To the utmost degree, I believe I have foolishly always believed that when I had a boyfriend of my own (yeah, here it comes), that we would spend the day together, doing something out of the ordinary – see picnic/romantic getaway/SOMETHING DIFFERENT?!
Just spending some time with your partner on Valentines Day is important, and if you are unable to be with them, at least leave on a bright note, not by saying something like “You should get some exercise”.
That’s what happened to me, and I rudely said back “You should learn some English” – incredibly harsh because my boyfriend does speak English incredibly well. While this doesn’t excuse what I said, I’ve explained to him now talking about my weight can (and often does) offend and upset me.
I fell in to the Valentines Day trap. Every day that I’m with my partner, I fall further and further in love (excuse the soppy notes, but it’s true).
But now I’m not spending Valentines Day with him, and it kills me. But I’ll get to spend another day with him soon, and that’s all that matters.
So fuck you Valentines Day. You built up my emotions and made me WANT so much more from my partner.
I’ll give presents, but I will stop having expectations, it’s important for me to recognise that.
I’ve grown up in a world where I always knew that we lived in financial hardship, but it never got to me, because I didn’t know any better.
That was until lately, when I’ve been in charge of the finances and we were so close to the 8-ball that desperation has become common now.
People have empathised with me, and it’s lovely that they do, they have even offered/insisted on paying for different things during social occasions, which I’ve never wanted to accept, but I’ve had too.
I’ll never be able to pay these people back.
Then the one thing which has been solid in my life (bar my friends), my choir, came to an end, essentially (they are having a yearly get together and a Christmas performance, but it’s not the same). All year I’ve been upset about it, and sadly have ruined a lot of the friendships which I was trying to build towards the latter years of being in the choir.
This said, those friendships may still be there, but I’m just too sad to see that they really are what they used to be.
Everything adds to the weight that I’m feeling, studies get me down because I’m unable to socialise with friends how I used too, finances get me down because I will more often than not have to scrounge enough money to afford food for the fortnight (let alone be social and afford transportation), and it all affects my mood.
Sure, I try to act happy and carefree, I also try to avoid thinking negative thoughts about everything around me, which is easier said, than done.
I used to be happy at this time of the year, it’s my birthday in 2 days, and then in 4, it’s Christmas.
But Christmas and my Birthday hasn’t been the same over the last few years, and it’s all because of money. My mum has to work overseas, and be away for these occasions. She’ll even be away for her birthday.
I have a strong connection with my mum, we’ve been through a lot together. For a long time I’ve not had anyone else in my life, my longest friendship is 10 years (besides my mum).
I’m struggling to remain positive about things, which isn’t like me at all, but at the moment, right now, all I feel is sad.
I put up the decorations for Christmas around the house, but all the smiley faces and seasonal cheer which they contain are for the first time not rubbing off on me.
Christmas this year just doesn’t mean anything to me. I’m struggling to see what does mean something too me.
End of the day, I’ll probably work myself out of this mood, but right now, right this very minute.
I’m sad.
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How
about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
While I’m in my last week of exams for my first semester, I’m hoping to get this blog a little more rolling. What I want is for you to tell me what you would like me to write about. This is open for anything, any topic (within reason).
So please, let me know what you’d like me to write about 
So there’s this new movie out called Streetdance 3D, and you may think, not another dance movie, not another dance franchise, or you may think dance in 3D? WhaaaT?
This movie is impressive, the dancers are really fantastic, is it a franchise? Possibly, however, is it American??? That’s a big, juicy NO!
The movie has street dancing, (and shows off many fantastic routines by The Surge – winners of 2008′s Britain’s Got Talent (they beat Susan Boyle)) and an amazing mixture of showing Ballet dancers mixing in the dance fabric of street dance, while showing how the two unimaginable styles can work together while still staying true to their origins.
The movie does well to explain the start of street dancing, while displaying a few of the different specialities of Street dancing (like Popping), however this wasn’t well explained, and in my opinion poorly shown (each move was shown for 15-20 seconds at most).
However, the movie was able to put together a lot of layers in the story, which then was displayed in the dances, you get to witness rivalry, love, jealousy, difficulties, and desperation.
But, can dancers act? Because the people in the movie appear to be dancers and not actors, it would be easy to say that this movie is just about dancing, but it’s more than that, it explains the reason for dancing, that dancing can be intertwined with your life and that it doesn’t matter where you are (unless your rehearsing in a troop) you can dance everywhere and show your emotions.
These dancers/actors do a great job at conveying the story.
Should you see this movie?
Yes.
Is the movie well executed?
To a point, the last few dance scenes, in particular the last one, doesn’t let you leave the cinema with a feeling of elation. You want more, and that’s purely because of the high calibre of all of the dance routines.
Is the 3D well used?
As possibly one of the few people in the world who hasn’t seen Avatar in 3D I can survive without classifying the movie’s 3D efforts against the movie.
The 3D could have been better executed (however I think that about all movies which appear to try and make real life in to 3D. There are a few moments where the 3D doesn’t feel like a gimmick and really draws you in, thanks to very subtle details.
Overall, Streetdance 3D is a fantastic movie, the first 3D dance movie, a British film, a well-scripted film, and a very well danced film. Go see it!
As some of you would know, I intended to regularly post musings of the mind, opinions and everything inbetween.
Except I left with just one thing, the audio of Christina Aguilera’s new song “Not myself tonight” (of which I love the video clip of, and think that while there are similarities between this clip and Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance”, the director of the clip is most likely the same.
ANYWAY…
I’ve been working fevourishly on my assignments and everything that relates to me passing this course. It’s harder than anything I’ve done before, but the end result will be enjoyable.
The choir I’m in, and now Vice President of, has been working hard to recruit some more members, otherwise it faces it’s last year this year (which would be extremely sad, so if you love to sing, let me know and I’ll send you the details! (We’d really love some more guys!))
Other than that, I don’t have a lot to comment on. I still don’t know why I should care about Kim Kardashian, I do have an appreciation for Justin Beiber’s songs, and other than that…. yay for TV showing more murders on tv?
Anyway, thanks for letting me procrastinate on your screen, tell me, what are you doing right now (and what should you be doing instead?)
Kxld
Absolutely love Christina’s new sound. Less than 69 days for her new album “Bi-On-Ic”
