Odds and ends.

This blog post is going to be a whole range of thoughts which are going through my mind at the moment. Random, and I’m aiming to not go in depth with them.

# I still fear that he is in the house or outside, which unfortunately keeps him on my mind.

# I always get choral passages stuck in my head after carols, and feel disappointed that the home audience miss out on the full musical experience of CBC.

# I worry that mum may regret coming back to Oz for Christmas.

# The last episode of The Slap made me cry, I really hope they further the storylines, it really was an engrossing watch!

# I’m continually planning what I’m going to teach on the first three days of school next year.

# I really hope I don’t stuff it up. (Teaching, life, all that’s between).

# I aim to lose 40kg. Christmas isn’t helping.

# I really would love a boyfriend right now (A loyal, honest one!)

# Fly me to the moon could possibly be my wedding dance number…. Sinatra style!

# I really hope this year brings us equal marriage rights in Australia.

# I wish I had the capital to start up my own magazine for weddings.

# I wish I had a sense of connection with my family, other than my mum. I also wish I didn’t have this wish at times.

# I would like my dog to Shut. UP!

# Tino’s necklace really sums up who I am.

# Tino’s necklace makes me feel like I should keep pushing forward with music.

# I want to be singing a solo/duet at Carols one year.

# There was far too much smoking in The Slap.

# I think my mine is empty now. “think”.

Please…

Please don’t come,
please don’t turn up,
please leave me alone,
please let me live my life.

Please let today be ok,
please let it go through,
please let the nightmare be over,
please let freedom begin.

It has indeed b…

It has indeed been a while since I’ve updated this blog with news of my world/life/lack-there-of-both. 

I haven’t intended for that to be the case either. I was incredibly busy working on my Masters (now finished), loving someone (now finished), looking for a job (now finished – I got one!), and trying to live life with some degree of being sociable (failed miserably!). 

What’s this, your eyes can’t believe what I’ve posted? Yes, I’ve finished my studies – I’m now employed, and I’m loveless. 

Loveless. I’m intending that phrase to be understood as having ended a relationship which I had wanted for so long. Well, I wanted it until I found out that the guy had been cheating on me the entire time – making matters worse was him telling me that he would have come clean about it after we were married. 

He then turned into a stalker, which has meant that I do feel like I’m trapped in my house, which normally wouldn’t be a bad thing for me, but having to cover the front door with paper so he can’t see in, is quite disturbing at times. At all times. 

Don’t get me wrong, my friends have been INCREDIBLY supportive, and I know/think that they feel I’m a fool for not calling in the police and getting an intervention order on him. Which is the weird thing, because for some bizarre reason, I do still care for him – I did expect this to happen if we did break up – what I didn’t expect, was the insurmountable rage that I feel if I see him in person. Although, it’s not just rage, it’s a mixture of anger/regret/shame with a dash of foolishness. 

I feel like I should have known sooner, should have suspected that he was doing it – but I trusted him, so much. Even when I felt depressed being around him because he had no aspirations or goals for himself (that he could articulate), I still felt that I could trust and love him. 

And worse is that I did that annoyingly typical thing that most people do when they’re in a relationship – I lost contact with most of my friends, because while I was with “the ex”, he was my world. 

All I can say is this, every day I want to start fresh, move on, and be happy. And then a memory hits, or worse, he comes around and stirs up all the dust again – except there aren’t any allergy-induced sneezes which come from this – only the emotions which get roused up again. 

I don’t want him to rule my life, but he is at the moment, and I honestly feel like I can’t stop, or prevent it, and I hate that. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m one of those dreamers who wanted to have “THE” love of my life, a guy who could accept me for all of my flaws, love and respect me, and be romantic every now and again. While the ex wasn’t that fully, he did fill in most of the boxes. 

I honestly don’t know what I’m looking for any more, and I am attempting to meet guys, now that uni is done and dusted, but from two who I met – both the same age, one felt more like the start of a friendship, and the other felt too…… not me – too forced. 

I don’t know what I’m really looking for, and I don’t know if I ever will, but what I’m feeling a lapse of, as of this moment (and moments which have previously passed), is love. And not that love which friends and family members can supply, but that other sense of love, where a simple look, or a touch of the hand, or a sigh reminds you that at that moment of self doubt, you’re not alone. 

As I said, I don’t know what I really want, but right now, I know I need a holiday which won’t be happening for some time. 

*exhale*

Drunk texting

It happened. The phone vibrated, blaring out a noise at an hour unwanted, a jumble of letters which aren’t wanted or clearly thought out to be meaningful.

Yet the words are raw. Raw and honest. “I want you”. “I love you”.

The message mustn’t have gotten through, you know, the one where I broke your heart.

So many messages of drunken persuasion fly around at all hours of the day, with the sole purpose of being taken to heart, because the message contained is of the nature which can’t be shared any other time. Be it for fear of the truth or response you would get, or be it for the need to get something off your chest.

The rules which previously applied don’t matter any more, if something is seemingly humorous at the time, you’ll send it to your friends, confusing the hell out of them. If something has been on your mind for a minute, day, week or month, then the truth will come out at this moment of weakness.

It’s happened to me, and I analyzed the feelings at the time, and all I can say is this, don’t let alcohol fuel your message if you really want to achieve anything, man up, and say it to the persons face.

Review: Ben Elton’s Live from Planet Earth

 

I’ve been trying to not comment too much on this show, mainly because I believe in Australian TV shows, and variety shows are an amazing thing (if done correctly).
I understand wholeheartedly what Ben Elton is trying to bring to the TV screens, not only is the show a live sketch show (more about that later), the show aims to highlight faults with the Australian society and industry. Both of these are things that, personally, I think are needed, however, the way which they are being presented from the get-go and for what feels like the entire show does tend to make the viewer feel awkward because their faults are being highlighted.

Granted, the show is brand new, and the media and public are giving it a flogging, its new people – not everything is a smash hit from the start. It is Australian, and it is a new way of presenting comedy through sketch segments. Essentially, Ben Elton has wanted to present stage show mini-sketches to the viewer which is a dangerous thing to do given that the audience are presented with acts that seem to be highly rehearsed. It’s the rehearsed look which makes the show awkward, especially when complaints were received about the show having lewd language.

The weird thing about the language is that considering that Channel 9 present a daily double (sometimes triple) dose of Two and a Half Men nearly every night, which has language and scenes which have always been FAR more obscene than anything that Ben Elton has discussed on the show. The difference, which is the most important aspect to comedy, is the timing. Some people have natural comedic timing in general circumstances, but introduce a script and hours of rehearsing and you have an actor who will struggle to have impromptu performances and play with the script. This is one of the downfalls of the best aspect of the show.

Ben Elton decided to hire a range of new actors fresh from university, as well as some seasoned comedians. It is the delivery which is important to learn, but can’t really be taught. Something which Ben Elton may need to consider for the show is to cut the amount of talking that he does and to have some pre-recorded sketches – yes, what I’m suggesting is that the show takes some hints from Saturday Night Live.

I do hope that the show survives, purely because I prefer watching Australian content, rather than more American productions.

 

V-Day

Valentines Day.

A day which many people consider as being “the most ROMANTIC day of the year”. Heck, I even considered it to be partly the most over-rated day but still filled with romance.

To the utmost degree, I believe I have foolishly always believed that when I had a boyfriend of my own (yeah, here it comes), that we would spend the day together, doing something out of the ordinary – see picnic/romantic getaway/SOMETHING DIFFERENT?!

Just spending some time with your partner on Valentines Day is important, and if you are unable to be with them, at least leave on a bright note, not by saying something like “You should get some exercise”.

That’s what happened to me, and I rudely said back “You should learn some English” – incredibly harsh because my boyfriend does speak English incredibly well. While this doesn’t excuse what I said, I’ve explained to him now talking about my weight can (and often does) offend and upset me.

I fell in to the Valentines Day trap. Every day that I’m with my partner, I fall further and further in love (excuse the soppy notes, but it’s true).

But now I’m not spending Valentines Day with him, and it kills me. But I’ll get to spend another day with him soon, and that’s all that matters.

So fuck you Valentines Day. You built up my emotions and made me WANT so much more from my partner.

I’ll give presents, but I will stop having expectations, it’s important for me to  recognise that.

 

I don’t know.

I’ve grown up in a world where I always knew that we lived in financial hardship, but it never got to me, because I didn’t know any better.

That was until lately, when I’ve been in charge of the finances and we were so close to the 8-ball that desperation has become common now.

People have empathised with me, and it’s lovely that they do, they have even offered/insisted on paying for different things during social occasions, which I’ve never wanted to accept, but I’ve had too.

I’ll never be able to pay these people back.

Then the one thing which has been solid in my life (bar my friends), my choir, came to an end, essentially (they are having a yearly get together and a Christmas performance, but it’s not the same). All year I’ve been upset about it, and sadly have ruined a lot of the friendships which I was trying to build towards the latter years of being in the choir.

This said, those friendships may still be there, but I’m just too sad to see that they really are what they used to be.

Everything adds to the weight that I’m feeling, studies get me down because I’m unable to socialise with friends how I used too, finances get me down because I will more often than not have to scrounge enough money to afford food for the fortnight (let alone be social and afford transportation), and it all affects my mood.

Sure, I try to act happy and carefree, I also try to avoid thinking negative thoughts about everything around me, which is easier said, than done.

I used to be happy at this time of the year, it’s my birthday in 2 days, and then in 4, it’s Christmas.

But Christmas and my Birthday hasn’t been the same over the last few years, and it’s all because of money. My mum has to work overseas, and be away for these occasions. She’ll even be away for her birthday.

I have a strong connection with my mum, we’ve been through a lot together. For a long time I’ve not had anyone else in my life, my longest friendship is 10 years (besides my mum).

I’m struggling to remain positive about things, which isn’t like me at all, but at the moment, right now, all I feel is sad.

I put up the decorations for Christmas around the house, but all the smiley faces and seasonal cheer which they contain are for the first time not rubbing off on me.

Christmas this year just doesn’t mean anything to me. I’m struggling to see what does mean something too me.

End of the day, I’ll probably work myself out of this mood, but right now, right this very minute.

I’m sad.

Song/poem in progress

I wish I were there when you were growing up,
I wish I could always make you smile,
I wish I could solve all of the problems,
I wish I could be by your side.

You’re a lone soldier,
Marching forward,
Fighting off the demons and ghosts,
I only hope that you know,
You’ll be forever in my mind.

I don’t know how to change what’s been done,
I sometimes fail to move forward,
I’m lucky that you have shown me strength,
I never want to see you cry.

So fight off the demons and ghosts,
Never stop fighting,
You are the beacon of hope,
You are always in my mind

Gay male teachers and Paedophilia

During my exam week at uni, I called out for people to give me suggestions on what to write about. I received only one response.

Why not write about you becoming a teacher so you can be closer to young boys. From what we have heard around town you are a bit of a pedo in training. Luck of the drawer that i came across your blog, you are a sick individual. If even half of what i have heard is true you should be taken to an island somewhere and slowly and painfully put to death. You are a sicko!

I can say, I only felt sadness when I read this. At first I was going to write a blog that first rebutted what this person had said, then I was going to disspell the myth of gay male teachers as being paedophiles, however after many days and nights thinking about how to properly approach this feedback, I think I’ve finally decided on what to say in response, as I do not believe that this comment requires time, nor effort.

For all of my friends doing exams

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How

about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.